good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
