Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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