How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
