Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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