I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
