he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
