so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
