Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
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