I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
