he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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