Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
