If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
