i may or may not be watching the land before time
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
