Can i not drive my cunt home
OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
