I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
not ubering you a puppy
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
