YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
