We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
