we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
