Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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