I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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