Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
