Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
