Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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