fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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