I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
