I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
