lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
