I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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