Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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