if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
