opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
