I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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