I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
