That's when you crack a 10am beer
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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