i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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