Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
