ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
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