I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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