Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
