now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Randomize
