i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Found your dick twin last night
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Randomize
