Kroger has a sale on economy packs of some ridic brand of condom with a smiley devil heart on it $4.99 for 24
Sounds like a baby waitign to happen
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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