you guys were way drunker than both of me
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
