Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
