Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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