ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
