Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
