Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize