Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
