Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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