I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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