I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
