does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
