Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize