I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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