I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Why can't burritos get me drunk
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
