areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize