So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
