im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
