just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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