we have pet lesbian snakes
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
