would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
