My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
